Lost Gilligan’s Island Episode 99

Act I: Recession Island Hopefuls

Gilligan stammers through a clearing on the tropical path to see the professor working on a bamboo plane.

Gilligan: Hi professor. What are you working on?

Professor: Gilligan, I might have just figured out how to get us off of Recession Island. I’ve modeled a plane out of bamboo and twine and fashioned an engine from economic tortoise shells to run on coconut oil. I have calculated the exact weight of oil needed to get us home.

Gilligan: Great professor, I’ll go tell the Skipper. SKIPPER?

Skipper: What is it little buddy?

Gilligan: The professor has built a plane that runs on coconut oil that can get us off of Recession Island!

Skipper: Well round up Mr. and Mrs. Howell and the girls and meet me at the plane, we are going home!

The skipper hastily exits the hut and Gilligan runs off to meet the Howells. On the way, he meets Ginger and Mary Anne and tells them of the plane. They hurry off to pack.

Mary Anne: Ginger you cannot take all those dresses you had before the Recession. You heard Gilligan, we have to save on weight.

Ginger: Nonsense Mary Anne, who would expect us girls to be thrifty. You are so practical, but once we are off Recession Island, the sky is the limit.

While Mary Anne proceeds to decide which clothing to leave behind, Ginger sneaks her trunk full of clothing aboard the plane.

Gilligan: Mr. and Mrs. Howell, thank goodness you’re here!

Mr. Howell: Dear boy, where would we be, out collecting coconuts? ha HA.

Amused by his bourgeois humor, Mr. Howell proceeds to listen to Gilligan talk of the plane.

Lovey: Really Darling, I do hope they have first class. I simply cannot sit with the others on the way to Recovery Peninsula.

Mr. Howell: Lovey, I have prepared a little care package to make our trip special. We won’t even feel this Recession.

Mr. Howell proceeds to sneak a trunk full of 100 dollar bills and coconuts aboard the plane. Everyone then meets the professor.

Act 2: Quantitative Easing through the Debt Ceiling

Professor: Ok all, take your places. Skipper I need you to crack open the coconuts as we go and feed them to me. Mary Anne, you keep inventory. Ginger you keep the Howells happy.

Mr. Howell: Sit here Lovey, In front of the others.

Professor: Gilligan you pilot the plane. I am going to point in the direction of Recovery Peninsula. Keep the plane nice and level because we don’t have extra coconut oil to spend. I will be back in the rear of the plane feeding the economic engine. Let me know if anything goes wrong.

Skipper: Ok lil buddy, nice and steady.

The plane lifts off and heads for Recovery Peninsula. Because of the hidden trunks, of course the plane consumes too much coconut oil and Mary Anne has to borrow from inventory.

Skipper: Keep those coconuts coming Mary Anne.

Mary Anne: We are using way too many coconuts.

Skipper: Gilligan, take the plane a little higher.

Gilligan: But Skipper….

Skipper: I’m the Skipper lil Buddy.

The Professor, investigating the reason for having to borrow more coconuts finds the hidden trunks.

Professor: Everyone, we are in loads of trouble. These extra trunks have weighted down our way to Recovery and we are not going to make it unless we jettison some cargo.

Gilligan proceeds to start throwing coconuts off the plane.

Skipper: Nice thinking Gilligan.

The skipper takes off his hat and bops Gilligan in the head. Ginger, knowing her clothes are outdated, practices her political welcome home “sacrifice for all” speech before agreeing to let the others toss her trunk overboard. As the professor begins to grab for the Howells’ trunk, Thurston Howell lunges his body over its lid crying noooo.

Lovey: Oh Thurston you simply must make a deal.

Mr. Howell pulls open the trunk fanning out 100 dollar bills.

Mr. Howell: We must not have paid the excess luggage fees.

The skipper and professor look at each other incredulously as they prepare to throw the trunk overboard.

Gilligan: Look Professor in the trunk. There are coconuts.

Mr. Howell: Of course dear boy, I had planned to contribute to the economic engine all along.

Everyone takes their places once more. Then the skipper has a bright idea.

Skipper: Gilligan, pull back on the throttle. We are going to take this plane as high as she can go. We will take it higher than any plane has ever gone in history. We will use every ounce of coconut oil to take this plane into the Ponzisphere and when the oil runs out we will be high enough to coast down to a soft landing on Recovery Peninsula.

As the plane rises higher into the sky, the Professor realizes what is happening and quickly calculates that the plane will run out of fuel as it hits the debt ceiling.

Professor: Gilligan, turn this plane down hard right now. We must all endure the hardship of a hard landing if we are to make it.

Skipper: Professor, we can bust right through this debt ceiling. This plane has way more elevation to go.

As the professor, skipper, Howells, Ginger and Mary Anne begin to bicker loudly, the plane bursts through one debt ceiling after another going higher and higher and higher.

Gilligan: Professor?….Skipper?…

All at once, the plane stalls and begins to spiral down to earth splashing into the sea, busting the bamboo plane to pieces.

Act 3: Settling in for the Long Recession

Next scene we see the band of seven swimming aboard bamboo rafts back into the lagoon. As the girls go back to their hut to dry out their clothes, Mr. and Mrs. Howell enjoy a coconut Margarita as the sun sets and the Professor, in a panic, sets out to find one more scheme off Recession Island. Pan to the Skipper and Gilligan as they rest in their hammocks near the lagoon.

Gilligan: Skipper that was a great plan you had for taking the plane up into the Ponzisphere. It might have worked too if we just had more coconuts. Skipper, do you ever think we will make it off this Recession Island?

Skipper: I hope so lil buddy. I hope so…

Fade scene,

Raise theme song.

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Filed under American Governance, American Politics

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